why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
