someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am in a vortex of obligation.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
