you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We left an ass print on the piano.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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