I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
