Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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