yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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