I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
