ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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