i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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