ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
