If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My bed smells like the plague
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
