The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
