she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
