We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
FUCK WHALES
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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