I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
