also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
