I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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