Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
