I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
