So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
