Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
