Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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