If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
