it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
this boner is exhausting
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
