i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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