How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
