first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
