New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
