Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
