also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
