best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
