dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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