thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
