peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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