I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
