just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
