I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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