she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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