Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
