I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
