I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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