I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
