My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
