She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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