I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I checked into jail on foursquare
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
