who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
