Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You were trust falling into bushes
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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