i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
