I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
