I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
