Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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