I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
